Halejk La’Baer ab Jujnis, 2997
And just like that I’ve botched up my training. Halejk is the day of testing, where the monks apply what they’ve been taught in a simulation, except I wasn’t aware that it was a simulation. Ahmiaus, being impressed with what I have already picked up in a short three days thought it would be best to see how I fared my first trial. Of my peers in school, I was the one who looked forward to quizzes. It was my way of shining by showing how well I knew the material. I was so eager to demonstrate the skills I was learning with my Lyro Blade and magics, that I had a hard time sleeping.
If I was sleep deprived, I knew not. I arrived on time to the testing grounds and waited my turn. It was just after the lunch hour and so I had Bubbles quiz me. As he did, I noted that there were a series of doors, each numbered one through six. Within a half hour of waiting I was called to enter room four. I was anticipating a training room, maybe even a fellow monk to fence against, but what I found was a dim hall and Ahmiaus standing alone.
The Monk informed me that my party had been taken captive and that I need to go save them. I looked incredulously at my teacher, wondering if he spoke truth. I then heard Destiny let out a choked cry and any hesitation I had vanished. Ahmiaus grabbed my shoulder and said, “It is one from the Order. Be smart and careful.”
When I think about it now, I should have realized it was nothing but an illusion and just the test I was to perform. But in the moment, I didn’t question how it was a member from the Order of the Empty Cup managed to capture my companions without resistance, nor why it was up to me to save them alone. All I could think about was finding and freeing them.
Sure enough, upon facing the man who had beaten, gagged, and bound my party members, Destiny being held by the throat, I coward. I threw my healing energies toward Bordel and Zaren, Daevri being awake and acting his usual cocky self. The man continued to mercilessly strangle the girl. I tried to run toward my companions to free them of their restrains, but was met with fire.
The laugh that rings in my ear as I realized my helpless state still gives me chills. Sure I had my Lyro Blade and a new smite spell that I could have used on the man, but the thought of causing pain choked me up. I pleaded with him, begging for him to let them all go and to take me in their stead, but he wouldn’t. My hands and mouth worked the fear spell I knew with no effect. I tried to grab at him, to loosen his grip and free the girl, but to no avail. My hands shook, my lungs burned as I tried to breathe through the smoke, and my hysteria peaked as Destiny became limp.
Still... I couldn’t will myself to avenge the cruel actions the Order member performed.
Suddenly, through my sobs, I heard Ahmiaus’s voice and felt his firm hands take each of my shoulders. “Enough!” he commanded. My eyes blinked rapidly as I took in his image. He was disappointed, if that is even the word to describe it. I mean, it was clear I had failed which only added to the awful state I was in. Whatever sense of accomplishment I had was shattered as I was reprimanded about how I needed to defend and protect. That is what being a Paladin is all about. “You’re not some frail girl! Now buck up and accept your role as a Primordial!”
I then was sent to complete fifteen sets of Ahmiaus’s Vrum Lejkmars (Spirit Breakers, which consist of ten push ups, a five minute wall sit, twenty wall sprints, the peg master, and ten hanging sit ups). It took me until the dinner hour to complete my punishment and to top it off, my teacher withheld his healing magics. I’ve managed to ease some of my soreness, but I’m still rather miserable.
Dinner was quiet as I sat down with everyone. Bubblesnort, too enthusiastically, asked how my test went. I thought about lying, but with the pain that pierced me when I inhaled to speak, announced my failure. Daevri boasted of his marks saying it was rather easy. “You’d think they’d try harder,” he added, twirling one of my pens.
Destiny asked which simulation they put me under. “One that made me believe you, and everyone else, died because I couldn’t attack the aggressor,” I confessed. Despite my best effort, I quietly cried, my head hung in shame. Let alone everything about me was sore.
Bordel tried to cheer me up saying I’ll do better next time, now that I know it’s just an illusion, but it did little to make me feel better. “But even then, it won’t prepare me for when the fight is real,” I responded.
I dismissed myself early, feeling rather tired what with the excitement of the day gone. Bubbles flew along with me, trying to cheer me up too. “Not now,” I told him. Thankfully he didn’t persist and gave me my space.
Slowly I made my way back to my room. The corridors were quieter than usual due to the monks being in the dining hall. As I passed a hallway, a figure caught my eye. I looked over to see a woman eyeing me. Her hair was red and strait and her eyes a bright green. She gave a quick smirk and ducked behind a corner.
I pressed on, and was rather close to the hall my room was in, when I passed another passage and once again spotted someone out of the corner of my eye. I glanced in the direction of the person and once more saw the woman with red hair. She smiled at me, jerking her head so as to signal I should follow. She then walked out of view.
For a moment I was about to ignore her and get some rest, but her dress was different than the monks. So my curiosity got the best of me and I went to see what it was she wanted.
The woman, who wore a black laced shirt, black pants that tucked into knee high boots, and thick eye liner (which was why her eyes stuck out so much) was leaning against a pillar on the balcony that overlooked a different section of the mountains. Though her appearance was far different from the sophisticated lifestyle I grew up in, that feeling of ‘I know you’ was strong.
Sure enough, she called me by name, introducing herself as Leryst. “And you know me how?” I questioned.
“I am you. The fourth manifestation to be exact,” she began before leaning toward me and with cheek adding, “I know how you like things to be exact.” I pursed my lips and waited for her to explain why she was there.
Leryst went on explaining how she felt I could use a helping hand. I questioned her motives. She instructed me to sit down, going into how she never wanted to be a primordial. “I doubt any of us wanted this to begin with. And we the least of it,” she went on. She then bobbed her hands side to side as though weighing something, “You and I who are to bring about 'Balance'. Have you ever wondered why you can’t remember with clarity your past life?” My eyes remained on her as my lips held their peace. “It’s because we keep failing. It’s Io’s way for us to ‘do it right this time’.”
“Why are you telling me this?” I cut in, not liking her ‘I’m too good for this’ tone.
“To help you understand-” she began, but once more I interrupted, explaining to her how well I knew of Balance. Essentially good and evil go hand in hand. The one needs the other and the role we play is to make sure neither sides rise up against the other.
Leryst then challenged me, proving how well she knew me. “But when those sides rise, will you be able to defuse them with your words alone?” she said. I feebly insisted that I would be able to manage such a feat to which the fourth manifestation called me out. She did a good job in reminding me how vigilantes and extremists listen to noone but their own cause or Deity.
Vehemently I relayed to Leryst that it wasn’t as simple as she made it seem. To just decide to inflict pain, even if it means to save a loved one’s life did not come naturally to my body. “I remember how Rora felt,” I explained, “I’ve tried to channel it... but this body loathes the thought of hurting others. It seems so contrary to everything I hold dear.”
Her stupid smirk played across her face, she seeming to find great humor in my seriousness. Leryst then nonchalantly mentions that I just haven’t learn how to not care. I gave her an incredulous look, hating how hard she was trying to get me to be like her. But suddenly the hardness that seemed to protect her from the world softened as her features pondered a time long before mine.
“I wasn’t always this uncaring,” she said thoughtfully, “No. Humanity just hurt to much.”
It took me a moment to get what she was saying. Suddenly I understood why she sought me out. Leryst struggled like me. I then thought about Rora and that strange calm she had. I asked my former self if that was what it was like to not care.
“Hollow and empty? Yeah,” she quipped, snapping back to her hard exterior she presented first, “But you certainly can see more clearly when you don’t give a skeiv about people. Sure it makes us a psychopath to a degree, but I’d say the world would benefit from more of us.”
I pointed out the contradiction in her words. If I didn’t care, why would I bother to uphold the duties I have as a primordial? She gave an analogy of a garden:
“Like a garden that needs to be pruned of its imperfections, beast and folk need to be thinned where necessary for the world to continue its functions. Let a few bad weeds flourish and in the end you’ll have to clear out a bigger patch of the garden that was choked and malnourished.”
Once more I debated her words saying that by her definition, even the weeds had a place. But she reminded me that whether good or bad, I was the one who got to decide what flourished and what was destroyed. Overall the object is for the garden to function optimally in all its variety. If any of the flora got out of control, it could make for a greater destruction as that portion of the garden would need to be uprooted to protect the rest.
“A few deaths here and there is certainly better than wiping a nation that prevailed under corruption.”
A great silence fell upon us as I thought over Leryst’s words. How true they are. They make great sense, but being the one to make the call about who lives and who dies is something I doubt I will be able to do with my heart intact. It certainly made the idea of not caring more desirable.
But then I thought about love. If I learned how to silence my heart, I wouldn’t be able to receive and feel such affection, let alone extend it to others. So I asked if there was a way to switch it off and on. Leryst shook her head slowly saying I’d have to give them all up. Kimaris, Bordel, and Achmath. I tried to debate that my reason to care only needed to be off when fights arose. The Primordial laughed. She then reminded me of the dams that I’ve read about. If one were to break, the reservoir of water built up would destroy all in its path. And with my guilty conscience, Leryst predicts I would not survive such an onslaught.
I pursed my lips as I warred within myself. I need to become reliable and capable for the sake of my party. I am the weakest link, the one who will likely be the cause of all our failures. But I don’t want to be uncaring to the point of being ‘cold’. Or what if Kimaris comes back? If my affections toward Achmath left him heartbroken, how much more disappointing will it be if I couldn’t reciprocate an ounce of warmth at his return? Then again, I put so much stalk into thinking the boy still loves me...
My thoughts continued to contend one with another, swimming around my head, when Leryst placed a hand on my shoulder. “Think about it long and hard. I’ll teach you when you’re ready,” were her parting words as she got up and disappeared.
