As the days go by, little changes happens in the atmosphere of the home. Alysin is continually abused verbally and physically on what felt like a daily basis. Yet somehow she and I continued to grow. I reached my adolescent days and with it came better instincts on hunting. I would like to think I was an excellent hunter, but I know Alysin kept me invisible 90% of the time so she wouldn’t risk her parents seeing me with her.
I would bring home rodents and birds for us. However, at first, they were my source of food. Alysin never seemed interested in trying the catches I made, probably because they were small, uncooked and still had every piece of them intact. But as hunger set in, and she turned 7, she began to experiment behind the house with making fire. It was quite amazing. She didn’t need anything I remember folk using nor exerted any effort to creating it. After a minute or two of concentration, she’d have a small fire going.
By this time I was able to catch small rabbits and squirrels with my adult body. I’m forbidden to hunt the chickens, though it’s tempting since they are penned and closer to the house than the woods and the grain silo with it’s abundance of mice. But I respectfully keep my distance from temptation since it could easily reflect on her if I gave in.
Othello helped teach Alysin how clean the animals I caught (he being about 12 and helps his father out when he goes hunting or kills a chicken for dinner). At first she was squeamish about plucking and skinning the little things, but soon Alysin began to do it on her own and would then would roast the catch on a metal rod over her fire. Othello was an endearing brother. Despite all the time he spent helping his sister out behind the house, he never expected his sister to share and even refused the times she offered him some of her food. He was obviously favored of their father and looked worlds healthier than his sister.
I still don’t know if he knows of my presences, but I’m grateful she at least has one ally in the family to help her get by. I’m sure he’s happy to see her being resourceful, though I get a glimpse from him that her starting fires with practically nothing is slightly unnerving for him.
Then, in the summer of her 8th birthday, curiosity got the better of Alysin. She began to start following me on my hunts, which was disastrous.
“Look Tokbiyus! A rabbit!” Aly would yell excitedly.
“Shhh!!! You scared it away!” Alysin snapped at her make believe friend, equally as noisy though she tried to whisper it (and yes Alysin learned to say her R’s). Of course I knew the rabbit was there, but now I got to watch it hop away even though it had no visual clues of our being there.
After that moment, it was very apparent at how loud Alysin was in just her walking. Aly kept making outbursts, feeling compelled to point out all the wildlife that I could hunt despite my capability (‘Look! There’s a deer all the way over there!’). If only I had a way to communicate my need for quiet.
After 4 days of catching nothing (a day or two in between catches is normal for me), and Alysin’s long absences beginning to be noticed, my little human suggested that she’d have to stop going out with me one morning. As much as I love her, I was grateful. I was not enjoying reliving the first few months of my life when I first came across her. 4 days of scraps was almost unbearable. How did I survive to be able to let instincts teach me to hunt? Or was it hunger that fed my instincts to hunt?
With rejuvenated enthusiasm to being alone while hunting, I began my search for food. It wasn’t long until I tracked a few mice scurrying past the grain silo. My hunger overwhelmed any thought of sharing, but once I had a decent fill and had rested a moment, I began my search once more to take back to Alysin.
The sun was beginning to set when I brought home a squirrel. I sneaked behind the house giving soft meows, loud enough that Alysin would hear me but not so loud that potentially a different family member would come out to discover me. Shortly Alysin was there with a bright smile to see me with a good catch. She took the squirrel with one hand and gave me a good pet.
After giving the squirrel a decent skinning, Alysin quickly made a fire and began to roast the squirrel over the open flame. However, I wish I could say this was a wonderful first meal in 4 days, but alas, I hadn’t taken into account that I had come home later than I usually would. I know it was my selfish needs that overrided my senses to care for my little human, but if I had known the consequences of my thoughtlessness, I would have acted differently. Been more protective of her knowing she’d feed me too.
Alysin had barely begun to cook the squirrel when Mayrid’s voice made us both jump.
“Why on earth child is there a fire back here!?” Mayrid shrieked. Alysin whirls around wide eyed and already filled with fear. She has the partially cooked squirrel behind her back as she steps back away from the fire. Mayrid in her haze of panic continues to shout fire and for a bucket of water. This then brings Davin, and right behind him Othello, to the back. Othello, knowing the seriousness of the situation, quickly jumped over the the small fire and stomped it out with little effort.
“Mayrid it’s out,” Othello announced. Mayrid’s crazed eyes and heavy breathing suddenly vanished once she reappeared in the door with a basin of water. She looked over to where the fire was and an embarrassed look swept across her face as she realized how frantic over a small fire she was.
“Alysin, just stomp out the fire if you ever come across one that small,” Othella said, trying to make it seem like an accident that Alysin happened to come across the fire. Unfortunately, Davin was more wickedly observant than the boy could have wanted.
“Boy, don’t play her like she’s innocent. What’s behind your back Yrid?” he demanded. Alysin, still wide eyed, clutched the rod with the squirrel on it more tightly. It was obvious she was debating whether to attempt a lie, yet knowing if she failed whatever was to come maybe worse. I thought about why it was she hadn’t turned the evidence invisible, but now with all eyes trained on her, it would be futile for her to try.
Alysin’s lip began to quiver and tears spilled out before she could stop herself. Yet somehow as soon as the first few tears welled up and over, she shook her head, wiped her eyes, then more calmly looked at her father.
“I found it and was trying to cook it,” Alysin confessed partly. She showed the skewered squirrel to the family and went to give it to her father. Davin looked it over, then at the fire that still smoldered some.
“And after you cooked it, what then?”
Alysin tugged at the hem of her shirt knowing there was no getting around trouble. Another tear escaped that she quickly brushed away. Davin walked right up to Alysin and bent over to look her right in the face before saying more menacingly, “What. Then?”
“Eat it,” She choked out now unable to hold back the dam of tears. Faster than I thought humanly possible, Davin grabs a fistful of his daughter’s hair, craning her head back.
“The nerve you have! To make a fire that could have gone out of control! To withhold food from your family! Have you ever thought that maybe it’s your own selfish choices that brings all this punishment on you!?” Davin yelled at his crying daughter. His face was red with fury that seemed unjust. He, of all, ought to know how little he feed her. If it weren’t for me hunting or Othello and on those nights when her stomach was still hungry, her going invisible to sneak more food, Alysin most likely would have withered away by now. But Davin blinded by deeper hate for his daughter, somehow, killing her mother, began to drag her back into the house.
“So, since you can’t remember to follow the rules and have now decided to play with fire,” we’ve entered the kitchen, in which Davin jerks Alyin to the floor and puts a glove on before reaching into the wood stove to bring out a red hot stick, “then, Yrid, lets give you something to remember. When you play with fire,” he takes Alysin’s left hand and encloses it around the burning embers on the stick, in which shrieks emit from her mouth, “you- get- burned!”
The scream was haunting. I was blinded with my own hate for the man that I revealed myself by jumping onto Davin’s head since he had to crouch down to burn Alysin’s hand. In that moment of blind rage, I scratched and bit with all the energy I had. To do to him what years of pain has done to her.
Davin, surprised by my invisible force, hollered in pain and relatively quickly had his hands around me, throwing me across the room. I’m not sure what I hit, but I landed on my feet all wrong and heard something pop. I could hear his feet stomping toward me. As my eyes focused in on him, I saw that his foot was rising to squash me. Immediately I was on my feet and out the back door faster than they could say ‘adrenalin.’
I was shocked that the man suddenly could see me. I was so sure that I would be able to cause him pain at not risk to my life that I’d be able to go right back to Alysin once I had my share of tormenting him. Instead I cower behind the corner of the house feeling my heartbeat out of my chest and listening to Davin come to the back door. He quickly retreats but I can easily hear him threatening to kill me if he ever saw me again.
I can still hear the cries of Alysin and yearn to return to her side. Davin, being in pain as well, shouts to her, “stop that crying or I’ll burn your mouth next!” I can hear her choke on a few gulp of air as she attempts to calm herself from what I can only assume to be blinding pain. Then suddenly she is quiet. I can’t make out any sound from her mouth, not even a breath.
I had to get to her. I had to go see what was wrong. Why was she silent? I began to move toward the back door only to find terrible pain in my right front paw. The slightest pressure on it sent waves of pain through my leg. Still, I risked squeezing through the back door, a soft squeak escaping the hinges. I didn’t make it far when around the corner came Othello with Alysin in his arms.
We look at each other stunned, I unsure whether to stay or run. Othello looks back down the hall he just came. He then bends down.
“Come on, before dad sees you,” he whispers to me. I jump up on my little human, balancing as Othello stands straight and begins to take us up the flight of stairs. He’s 13 now and is begin to fill out some. He doesn’t seem to be phased by the 50 pounds he must be carrying.
I was pleased to feel the warm body under me and too see Alysin blink her eyes occasionally as we made our assent upstairs. But even though she was alive, I could tell Alysin was worlds away.
Othello carefully lays his sister out on her bed. He then leaves, but returned quickly with water in a bowl. He places Alysin’s hand into the water. I look to her face and find no change, no acknowledgement that she felt anything different. She just laid there, gone in her mind somewhere.
“I’ll try and bring you something to eat later,” Othello whispered as he began to get up to go.
“Don’t worry about. I’ll be fine,” Alysin said indifferently.
“Alys-” her brother began to say.
“Sin,” it would have seemed she finished his sentence, but with the silence, Alysin explained. “Just call me Sin for now. For obviously that is what is the cause of all this pain. I’ve sinned for killing mother and therefore my life is to be hell.”
Othello looked on at his sister. Her eyes were glazed over, still looking like she was miles away, yet here she was... well Sin anyways.
“It wasn’t your fault Alysin-”
“Sin!”
“Sin, it wasn’t your fault. It’s not your fault you were borned. From what I remember, we all looked forward to your arrival. It... just through us all off guard when your birth for some reason was too much for mom’s body to handle and she died.”
Sin remained silent. I however wanted to hear more and was glad when Othello continued to try and make his sister feel better.
“I even hated you, but to be honest, you look a lot like mom and grandma explained it best. She had to take care of me and you for a few days while dad mourned. Actually, a few months. When she saw my resentment of you, she told me that it wasn’t your fault. How babies are incapable of such a terrible thing. She told me it was mother’s body who wasn’t strong enough to endure the pains that came with birth a second time.”
Still silence.
“She told me I was the best thing for you and needed to do my best to protect you from the evils in the world.”
“A lot of good you’ve done,” Sin lashes back. Othello holds his tongue. Even he can see that his best hasn’t been enough.
“I’m sorry,” Othello manages to say, “Just remember. You don’t deserve any of what dad does to you. For whatever reason, he seems to still be mourning for mother. I wish words could reach him, but lately it’s only beer and women who seem to soothe his hatred.”
Sin sits straight up and for the first time I, and possibly even Othello, have ever seen on her face was anger. Recognition washes over Othello’s face knowing he said too much.
“He’s having affairs?” she asks. Othello looks away, seeming embarrassed to have delivered such news.
“Don’t seem too surprised by it. Dad is not discrete, and I believe that to be why Mayrid hates us. Because she’s tied down to a guy who can’t love anyone ever again,” Othello explains. That was news to me, but as I reflect, Othello would get slapped and verbally abused when Davin wasn’t home. Still, Othello’s abuse would seem a vacation compared to Alysin’s.
“He loves you,” Sin accused. Othello can’t make a reply back for it’s true. If there was anything he loved slightly more or less than the alcohol and women, it was Othello. A spitting image of his father. He has been fed well and goes out around town while Alysin was kept home to tend the house and keep a low profile. Othello goes to school while they try to keep Alysin dumb. But even Othello sees to that when he can. Teaching her what he knows.
“Good night- Sin... I hope you feel better soon,” he says. He gets up and leaves the room. Sin lifts her hand out of the bowl of water and places the partially blackened and blistered hand down next to her.
I stay curled up by Sin’s feet. The whole conversation to me was relieving, yet scary. It’s good to know that it was because of childbirth her mother died and not an actual attempt by Alysin.
What was frightening though was how negative she was. How controlled she seems to be of the pain that must be racking her body. Her near 8 year old face seemed so much older now as it remained blank and emotionless.
I crawled cautiously along her body, hoping I wouldn’t surprise her, worried she might turn on me in this odd state of hers. As I nudged her good hand, she jerked it up but then relieved to see it was me, beckoned me to curl up closer.
“I see you have a limp Tokbiyus,” she whispered without the normal sympathetic tone, “Welcome to the club.”
We sit in silence for a while. I can hear down stairs a conversation beginning. Though all the words are unclear to me about what they are saying, I pick up Alysin’s name, and so did Sin.
“Alysin isn’t here any more people,” Sin muttered. I looked quizzically at her. She sighed before continuing, “Tokbiyus, Alysin was too weak to handle this much pain. She’s just a little girl and since her father was threatening to burn her mouth too, I had to step in for her. I will bear her pain since she is damned by her father for the rest of her miserable existence. Maybe I’ll be lucky and get an infection and die that way. Or perhaps I’ll starve first.
“Either way, I can handle this pain far better than her, and sometime soon I will free us from this body ridden with pain,” Sin explains to me matter factly. My heart sinks. She has given up on living. The times of us together was not enough for her. The joy I may have brought can never outweigh the pain that must constantly course through her small frame.
I give a soft meow, resting my head on her chest wishing somehow she might change her mind before death comes to take her away. Sin looks at me and interprets my meow for something completely different.
“Oh yeah, you’re visible. But thanks for getting my dad. There’s a part of me who would love to get back at him, but if I do, I want to make sure he suffers the same way I did,” Sin informs me. I don’t feel so heroic any more for hurting her father, but I remain by her side. She gave me pet on my head and a familiar, faint sensation coursed through my body, indicating I was invisible now.
The rest of the night was uneventful. Sin remained silent. I withheld my purrs from her. Soon the sun was setting the room a glow. I could hear Sin’s soft breaths indicating she was still asleep. She let out a soft hum as though she was having a happy thought.
I quietly sit up and immediately remember my paw. I lick it carefully to see if I could figure out the source of the pain. It turned out to be one of my toes, but I have no idea what to do with it.
Sin rolls over, her burnt hand falling onto the bed next to me. Sin’s eyes shoot open and quickly she lifts her hand off the bed and sits up to examine it. The hand still looked charred and blistered and vibrant red from lack of care. Carefully she places it in the bowl of water next to her. Pain registers on her face and she lets out soft words of ‘owie!’
I look at the girl up and down. I am relieved to see her trying to do something about the pain, to have have some emotion back in her face, yet confused for I don’t know who I was looking at yet.
Carefully I nudge her knee as though I was brushing up against her for a scratch. I look into her eyes that search in my general direction. She smiles and pets me though unsure where to look me in the eyes. I let off some purrs happy to see the happy little girl I have come so close to.
“Good morning to you too!” she whispers. I stand up on her knew with my one good paw to butt her face with mine.
“You know what I like best about this morning Tokbiyus?” I look at her though I know she can’t see my questioning eyes, “With what Othello told me last night, maybe today father will stop mourning. It is my birthday after all!” She said excitedly. My heart sinks, that of all days she would hope for her father to love her more would be on the anniversary of her mother’s death... I purr my anxiety to her knowing she wouldn’t be able to tell the difference, and it’s not like I could tell her otherwise.
After a few minutes enjoying each other’s company, despite her impossible hopes for her father, I decide to believe Alysin is back. Sin said she was gone, and that it was she who could handle the pain, but the happy, overly optimistic little girl I see right now is Alysin. And I hope she stays
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